Monday, May 31, 2010

Bolder Boulder Race Report

Holy cow, you guys. This was the most fun race I have ever run. It was so awesomely entertaining, and even funny at times. There were lots of people in costume (which I SO want to do next year, but not on my own... volunteers?), great music several times a mile, TONS of spectators, some of who were passing out the following: marshmallows (really, more thrown at us than passed, haha), bacon (2 stations!), donuts, peanuts, lemonade, otter pops, beer, jungle juice, and tequila shots. None of these were official - just people out in front of their house, haha. It was grand. There were also lots and lots of sprinklers, which was so nice. It was HOT by the time my wave got started at 8:49:10.

My personal goal was to be in under 1:20. I didn't achieve it - my final time was 1:22:13. Which isn't bad! I loved that BB tracked our splits. My fastest mile was 12:04 (WOWZER!), and that was mile 1. My slowest mile was 13:53, which was mile 4. Overall, my average mile time was 13:14, which is 29 seconds per mile faster than my half marathon times from two weeks ago. While it is obviously a shorter race, and I did push it a little extra due to the shorter distance, I am more than pleased to have knocked 29 seconds off my average mile time.

While I didn't hit my goal time, I did still PR! I bettered my 10K time by 17:12. I just can't bring myself to be disappointed. I have a new 10K PR, and I had an amazing, amazing time running this morning.

I highly recommend doing the Bolder Boulder if you never have. It was such a great experience. Also, it is the 2nd largest 10K in the nation. There were 56,000+ running today. That's bigger than a lot of marathons! Anyway. Incredible morning. I didn't stay to watch the pros run, but my housemate Carter did. Can't wait to hear what that was like. I probably would have stayed if

1. I thought I could have found Carter in the mass of people.
and
2. If I had brought sunscreen. Thank god for the volunteer coming around with sunscreen while we were waiting for our time to go. I am sure I sweated it off within a mile or two, but it helped. I am a little dark, but not burned.

Now I am debating whether I want to go lay out in the backyard or if I want to shower and go shopping for a swimsuit... I think I will go with the latter, and then if it is still hot out when I get back, I can lay out.

Lastly... should you decide you want to come do Bolder Boulder next year, let me know. I have couches! =)

Sunday, May 30, 2010

let me tell you what

It is HOT here these days!!! It doesn't even bother me that much that it's been like 90 degrees lately, since there isn't really much humidity. Still, when I was out picking my race packet for tomorrow, I also stopped at Target and picked up some running shorts, a new sports bra, and a running tank. GOOD IDEA, self. Yesterday evening I went out for a run, it ended up being about 4 miles. I really want to run today, but I'm not going to, seeing as how I have the BolderBoulder tomorrow morning. (A 10K.)

Last night I found out awesome news - I am not going to have to move in July! I met with my future housemates this weekend and we were originally just going to talk about moving in together, and where we might like to find a house. But then they decided they really liked the house I live in now, and the boyfriend of one of the girls is going to move in too! So the four of us will be living in the house I am in now. HOORAY! I am thrilled not to have to move, and I am so excited to live with Tanya and Suzanne and Mike. In celebration, I cleaned and rearranged my room. Gotta change things up every once in awhile, right? Especially since I'll be here another year.

Well I had probably better get out and about... have to shower and then go to the store for grocery shopping. Then it's church, and scoping out where I need to park to catch the shuttle to Boulder tomorrow!

I hope you are all having excellent holiday weekends... anyone doing anything exciting?

Friday, May 28, 2010

told you, not pretty

Starting Weight: 250.3
Last Weigh In: 199.6

Today: 204

UGH. +4.4

I knew it was going to be bad. I deserve it after these past few weeks. But I'm owning up to it now, I ate a lot of crap and didn't exercise. That's changed though. I'm back at it with a vengeance. May was a pretty big gain month. But that trend is over now. The end.

I had a great workout last night, and I'm feeling it today. I have exactly two weeks until I meet with Janel again. So my goal is to be back in the 190s by that time.

I can do it. I will do it.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Goal weight reward suggestions, anyone?

Hey friends!

So after sleeping extremely well last night, I woke up today so sore. From those dang 18 pushups. I felt it throughout the day as I would reach for things at my desk. Then, right as I was walking into my gym after work... I got a muscle cramp in my arm. Yikes! So much worse than just being sore! I kind of massaged it for a few minutes and then got to working out. Might as well, right? I think exercising actually kind of helped loosen it up, which is good. I did half an hour on the elliptical and then half an hour on the treadmill. I was very much sweaty when I left. I put in about 4.5 miles between the two machines and burned a little over 500 calories. Gooooood workout.

Tomorrow is weigh in day. I haven't done it since the first week of the month. I've been slacking, and we all know it. But weigh in will happen. It won't be pretty... but I will deal. I am feeling good about the future, and I know that I am not stopping this process of becoming healthier anytime soon.

I was thinking while I was showering after dinner just now, that I am going to redo my rewards system. I think for the rest of this time, I am going to do rewards at every 10 pounds. 60 pounds lost (190) will still be mani/pedis with Carter, provided she is still in town. (Oh gosh, it better come sooner than the end of July!!) 70 pounds down (180) will be... some new running gear that I am sure I will need for my marathon training - probably new shoes, a fuel belt, socks, shorts maybe. That kind of stuff.

80 pounds down (170) will be... I don't know yet! At 170 I may be winding down the weight loss and starting to focus more on maintenance and/or finishing up marathon training. (I hope this is how the timeline goes anyway...) If you all have good suggestions for a final goal prize, let me know. I have an idea... but I want to hear what you all have to say! You might think of something totally better than what I am thinking!

Well, it is time for me to relax on the couch and watch my Netflix movie, The Time Traveler's Wife. I've heard it is very sad, but I have been wanting to watch it for awhile.

See you all back here tomorrow morning!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

redefining my goals

Tonight was my first official session of personal training, in which we mostly did fitness testing.

Before we did any of the tests, Janel took measurements. She did caliper measurements on 7 different parts of my body, and took a bunch of girth measurements as well. We didn't do anything with these numbers until the end of the session. Next were the fitness tests.

First we did sit ups. I was a few below average for my age. Then we did pushups. For someone who has never done a pushup ever, I did 18 in a minute. And I am STILL feeling it! Haha. I was a little more below average on these than the sit ups. However, Janel did say that I had very good form, and that is really good to see, even though I am below average on reps! After that, we did a flexibility test, which I was still slightly below average on. Ah well. Next we did a heart rate test on the treadmill, spending 2 each minutes in increasing heart rate zones. So for 2 minutes my heart rate was between 110-120. Then I spent 2 minutes between 120-130. And so on, until I finished with 2 minutes at about 165ish. This was my favorite test... because I got to run on a treadmill. I am good at that. =)

Then after cooling down we sat down in the office and she did all sorts of calculations with the measurements. This is where redefining goals comes in.

According to the caliper tests, about 126 of my current ~200 pounds are lean muscle. This is apparently very good! After doing some calculations for my goal body fat percentage (24-26%), my goal weight is... 170.

While part of me is disappointed that I may never reach 100 pounds lost, most of me is relieved. For one thing, that means I may only have about 30 pounds left to lose instead of 50. Also, I mentioned that it seemed to me to be a high number for someone who is as short as I am (I'm 5'4"). Janel assured me that yes, I may be shorter, but I just naturally have a more muscular build, and to get much lower than that weight, I would be losing muscle mass, not fat, and that isn't a good idea. I can't argue with that. Even if caliper tests have a little bit of a margin of error, I doubt that it would change my goal weight very much. Maybe 5 pounds, at most, is my completely uneducated and random guess.

So I may never weigh less than 165 or 170. I think I'm okay with that. It might take a little getting used to. I can't deny the fact that being at goal weight by the end of the summer would be amazing. And, I think, attainable.

I was also surprised that my goal calorie intake for the day should be around 1850. I am excited that part of this training package includes working with Janel on food as well. She is sending me info for the website she and all the rest of her clients use for tracking food and exercise, and then she will be able to see what I am doing and make suggestions. I think I am getting my money's worth, that's for sure.

Because we are both very busy next week, our next session is scheduled for Friday, June 11th, with a possible session before than on the 9th, if she has time. We are going to try to get in two sessions a week, but if there are some weeks with just one, that will be fine too. I am pretty good at staying on track as far as exercise goes.

I am really, really excited about training this summer. I think with Janel's help, I will reach my goals faster, and stay more motivated as well.

Things are looking up! Now I am off to have a quick snack (it's 9:45 already? EEP!), a shower, and bed!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

working through things

I have been struggling with my weight a long time. Maybe for 15-ish years. More than half my life, at least.

When I started exercising a lot and eating healthier back in October, I knew my life had changed forever. And I still feel that way.

But it is so much a harder struggle now that I am half done. For me, it's not getting easier. At least it hasn't lately. All I did today was eat. I even had a PLAN last night for today... and I didn't follow through. These days, it is far more likely I have a bad day than a good day.

This isn't how my big change is supposed to be going.

It's so easy to feel disheartened when you get off track during this process. This isn't the first time that I've "fallen off the wagon" so to say. And I've always gotten right back on. It's taking me longer this time, but I'm catching up.

It's the hard times like these that really make you examine... why AM I doing this?

I want to be healthier. I want to be able to shop in whatever store I want. I want to surprise my college friends who haven't seen me in a couple years at a wedding this summer. I want to RUN ridiculously long distances. I want to look better. I want to have more energy.

I'm keeping at it. I am realizing more and more every day just how FOR LIFE this whole thing is. It's a little scary!

I am really excited to go to the gym tomorrow and have my first training session with Janel (had to cancel last week due to the tooth). The first session is mostly fitness testing. And I am going to do my very best. I am one of those crazy people that loves exercise, as much as it hurts. I WANT Janel to kick my ass, haha. (I guess I wouldn't be paying for it if I didn't, huh?)

I'm not sure where I wanted to go from here. Maybe there is nothing more to say tonight. I ordered two cookbooks from Amazon today, and I am hoping they will have some new recipes and ideas for me. I am not so good at thinking of things to make, especially healthy things. Revamping my food plan is most of what I need to do to be back on track. And I will. Even if it means cooking my own food most nights of the week, I'll do it.

A random thought to end this post with:

I really wish I liked salad more.

Goodnight, friends.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

healing

Sorry it's been so long since I posted! Most of the past week consisted of me going to work and then coming home and being in bed by 8 at the latest... usually by 7:30 though. Yesterday I managed to stay up until 11... but then I slept until 11 this morning, haha. I am still taking Percocet to control my tooth pain, but I've only needed to use it at night. The rest of the time I can get by with ibuprofen. I'm also taking lots of antibiotics.

I really hope that I can go for a run tomorrow. It is killing me not to be running, but I am so tired all the time. It was so nice today, but I pretty much stayed inside and laid around all day. I feel like a bum.

Wednesday and Thursday I forgot to take my regular morning meds... which are my antidepressants and my birth control. So in addition to tooth stuff, I've also got crazy random hormones going on too. Bleh. My weight has been up and down this week, and by the time I realized I should have weighed in, it was Friday afternoon. So I just said forget it, I'll get back to it next week.

Well... it is 9:30, and I was ready for bed an hour ago. So I'm going now. Goodnight!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

infection city

The good news is that I do not have TMJ!!!

The bad (really bad) news is that I have an abscessed tooth. Major infection in there. While I am thrilled to have a correct diagnosis and drugs that will actually HELP, I am less than excited about getting a root canal down the road. But I guess it must be done.

If you have never had an infected tooth, don't get one! Haha. Not much you can do to stop it though. I thought the pain was unbearable before I went to the dentist. Then they took the xray. I have never hurt so bad in my life. It might have even been more painful than my whole wisdom teeth ordeal.

Well I just took some pain killers, the kind that will actually kill some pain, and now I am going to make a scrambled egg and hope I can choke it down. (I love eggs, it just hurts a lot to swallow.) Then I will take my antibiotic and go to sleep. Don't really care if I go to bed at 7, seeing as how I got maybe only 2 good hours of sleep last night.

Monday, May 17, 2010

oddly proud

I have 2 nice little purple toenails today. They make me feel accomplished. They are twins too, both on the second toe on each foot. It will be interesting to see if they fall off before the wedding I am in in July, or if they will still be there looking ugly. I wonder what the nail person will say... hahaha.

In other news, my ear might explode! No really. I have been in massive facial pain since Thursday night, so I went to the doctor on Friday and got diagnosed with TMJ. Which I knew nothing about until Friday. So most of the left side of my head is sore in some way or another, mostly in my jaw area, up through my ear. My ear has been popping all day, and feels so full. Hence explosion. I have a dentist appointment for Wednesday morning, and hopefully they can do something for this pain. I do not want to be waking up in the middle of the night having to put ice on half my face just so that I can go back to sleep. (No joke, that is what happened last night!) Do any of you have TMJ? If so, what in the world do you do to relieve it? My NSAIDs hardly do anything for me, so far ice is the only thing that has helped.

Well it is looking like it is going to rain soon, and I really need to get a run in today. I know how insanely crazy that sounds after running 13.1 miles yesterday. I don't know why I feel this need to get out, but I think if I do it, I might loosen up a little, and that would be grand. So I'm going to try to beat the rain... and if it doesn't rain, I might go out with Carter for a walk later, too!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

race report, and way too much tmi

5:00 AM: Why the heck am I up so early? What if I were just to go back to sleep? Nah, I guess I will get up and get ready.

5:45: Breakfast of a banana bread oatmeal bar with peanut butter, and a glass of orange juice. Out the door at 6 with my backpack.

6:25: Wow, is the bag-check line ever long!!! I hope I'm not here forever...

6:35: Suck down a gel and find the 14:00/mile pace corral. Stretch a little, keeping moving, as it is COLD and I had to leave my fleece in my backpack.

6:45: Start time! After this, it's all by the mile.

Mile 1: Carter and Kate, my housemates, were waiting at Mile 1 and were cheering for me! It was so nice to see them, even for a few seconds.

Mile 2: This is where the first clock was. I hit mile 2 at 29:30 and kind of freaked out that I was going so slow, so I picked it up a little. Then I remembered that 29:30 was the gun time, not my chip time, as it took a few minutes to get over the start from the last corral. Stopped freaking out. Kept the pace up though, as it felt good and was fairly easy to hold.

Mile 4: Time for another gel. This one started to give me a bit of an upset stomach. I was drinking my water and everything, but for some reason, despite the fact that they worked perfectly during training, my stomach was rebelling. I was pretty gassy for the next few miles. Sorry, people running behind me. Time check: 54 something, I think.

Mile 6: Time check: 1:21 something. Not bad. Picked up the pace again. This is when it really hit me how much better I was doing than last year. Last year, at 6 miles, I was already feeling bad. This year, I felt great, and spent the next few miles passing quite a few people. Not that I wasn't passed myself, I was. But I was doing very nicely keeping my pace up and feeling good about it.

Mile 8: Took another gel, my last. Refilled my water bottle with several cups from the nice volunteers.

Mile 9: Oh crap. My stomach is not happy with me. How long is it until the next port-a-potties?

Alert: Extreme TMI to follow.

Mile 10: YES! Port-a-potties!!! Never thought I would be so glad to see them. I sure did learn my lesson about checking before going in though. By the time I realized there was no toilet paper, it was too late. I thought for a minute, then did what any logically thinking, self-respecting runner would do. I took off my underwear, used them to clean up, and then threw them into that nasty blue water type stuff. Finishing the race commando was actually not bad at all. Perhaps even more comfortable... Told you, way too much TMI. Next time, I'm packing my own paper, though.

Mile 11: Starting to get a little tired. Feeling really hot, and my fingers look like sausages. Start chugging more water.

Mile 12: Tired. Tired. Tired. 1.1 miles to the finish line. Took a few 20 second walking breaks, but determined that running still felt better than walking. Filled my water bottle again. Time check: 2:46 something. Remind me why I paid for this torture again?

Finish: 3:01:30 gun time. I got my chip cut off, my medal, and a water bottle, then made my way to the pavilion for free stuff. I got a lot of free food and samples and such. Also we got sandwiches or tacos from a local bbq joint. I went for a pork sandwich, and ended up just eating the meat out of it and tossing the bun, haha. Got a beer from the beer garden, but only drank like a quarter of it. It was freaking delicious though. Everyone should always get beer after finishing a race. Lastly, I got a free 10 minute massage. It felt amazing. So glad I stopped and had that done, or my back and shoulders would feel a looootttt more tight than they are now. Thanks, people from Kaiser!

Official time is 2:59:31! I was having trouble because my official time wasn't posted, but it has just been updated, thanks to some awesome race staff. So let's see. That makes today a PR, obviously. Overall, 1/2 Marathon PR of 27:03. And compared to last year, same race, I bettered my time by 41:08. Um, awesome much!?!?!?!?

I spent every day since signing up for this race looking forward to it. Excited. Antsy. Proud of myself.

Today, I spent all day wondering why the hell people pay to run crazy long distances. It hurts!

Tomorrow, I will be looking forward to my full marathon in October. I will spend every day until then being excited, antsy, and proud of myself.

Running is crazy.

Currently taking bets on how many of my toenails I will lose in the next few weeks. At least one is looking probable...

Thursday, May 13, 2010

i feel good

I have to say one thing about this new job I am doing. It is great for my self esteem. I hear several times a day how great I am and how happy everyone is to have me in the office. I still feel like there is a lot I don't know, and that's true. But I'll pick it up. And I really like what I'm doing, so that helps too.

I feel good about my race on Sunday. I think I'll try to get out for a few miles tomorrow after All Staff day, which ends at 4, I think. I am planning on walking to the Expo on Saturday morning, and hanging out there for as long as I'm not bored. Then I'm babysitting in the late afternoon/early evening, making something good for dinner, and then relaxing and mentally preparing before going to bed early.

I'm not weighing in tomorrow. It is a very long day, and I don't want to give my body or brain any extra reason to stress should I have a gain. That is the last thing I need before a race. So I'll do it next week.

I'm watching Spirit of the Marathon again right now. Good DVD to get me pumped up for Sunday... and for October.

my birthday's coming up!

Okay, not until October. I didn't really think I could fool you there.

But this morning I bought myself a 26th birthday present. It's kind of scary.

For my 26th birthday, I'm running 26 miles. I haven't been able to get it out of my head for weeks now that I should do a marathon for my birthday. And today the Denver Marathon had a promo going, so I saved $13 bucks on my registration (and may have also won a giftcard to P.F. Changs!), so I waited until today to sign up.

I am still kind of in shock. Do I believe I can do it? Actually... yeah. I do. Maybe I will be the last one across the finish line, but I can do it.

I'm really excited about this. I have been running for years, and now I am going to be running my first marathon. For my 26th birthday.

Perfect timing I think.




Tuesday, May 11, 2010

i am a klutz. and what do i need from costco?

No joke. After work last night I went to the bank with my boss so we could get me a debit card for our account. The sprinklers were going, and both of us wanted to avoid the sidewalk being watered, so we cut through a bed of small rocks.

Bad plan, batman.

I totally tripped over a rock and banged up my knee on the sidewalk on the other side of the rocks. I do not think it will affect my race on Sunday. I think by then it will just be a nice bruise/scab. But right now, it is still kind of raw... fresh scab, very bruised, red, swollen, painful. My whole knee is stiff.

I am not trying to complain, really. I mean, it hurts, but I'll be okay. I just think it is funny that I managed to injure myself so badly by tripping over a rock. Sigh.

In other news, one of my good friends from my volunteer year last year is flying in tonight! I'm really excited to see him and get to hang out a little this week. Before going to get him at the airport, my friend Hol is taking me to Costco, where I will stock up on a large bag of almonds (my snack of choice at work).

Does Costco have other things I should look at? If you shop at Costco or another store like it, tell me what kinds of healthy things are there that I should get!!!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

thanks, cute boys!

Today I did my last long distance run before the race next week. I ran 11.25 miles, walking probably close to a mile of that, or maybe just slightly more. I didn't keep track of time, and I do kind of wish I had checked the time before I left the house at least. But I didn't. Alas.

I felt pretty good today. By the time I got home, my feet were killing me, I was super hot, and was just sore all over. I'm sure that is how I will feel next week, too. But until next week, I wanted to write down some things I need to remember on raceday:

1. Put bodyglide on my feet.
2. Take more than 1 gel. Ideally, 3 just to be safe.
3. Pack some ibuprofen to take around mile 6 or so.
4. Wear better socks.

Umm, that's all I can think of for right now. All in all, it was a good run. It was also fun getting lots of encouraging comments from cute boys, and just trading good mornings with pretty much everyone out on the trail.

Here is one interesting thing that happened, though. I was wiped out by the start of my last lap around the park. Halfway through the last lap, I somehow managed to pick up my speed. If that isn't weird enough right there, it actually felt BETTER to go faster than slower. Ahh, the wonders of the human mind and body. Don't know what happened there, but if I can recreate it a week from now, I'll be one happy camper.

As much as it hurts... I love being a runner.

Friday, May 7, 2010

late friday post

Totally didn't have time to write this morning - it was the last day in our present offices, and on Monday we are in the new ones full time, so it was all day packing at work. Let's just start off with the normal stats.

Start: 250.3
Last Week: 197.6
This Week: 199.6 (+2)

Well, that's not much of a surprise, is it? We all know what I had going on, and while it's not a good excuse, it is the truth. But things are looking up!

Guess what I did yesterday! I joined a new gym. It's an Anytime Fitness gym, which means I have 24 hour access to the gym, but it isn't always staffed. It's not going to be too much of a problem though, since I am almost always going to be able to be there during staffed hours, or I will be there with my trainer. (So don't freak out, mom! Haha.)

Yes. You read correctly. I am going to be working with a trainer. I had a free session today, which was kind of just seeing where I am at, and trying out some new exercises. And it was awesome. I completely love Janel, and I cannot wait to start working with her. Is it going to cost me an arm and a leg? Oh yes. However, I can at least swing the 20 session package with some of my tax refund money and some of my new paycheck. I may have to cut out my weekly Starbucks and some meals out every month... but dang is it going to be worth it. After those 20 sessions (10 weeks) I will evaluate and see how the finances can handle it. But what is really nice is that during the sessions, we work on cardio, resistance, AND nutrition. How awesome is that? Also, she will work with me to plan workouts for the rest of the week when we aren't together. So I'll always have a trainer approved plan. =)

The other nice thing about Anytime is that while it had a pretty steep enrollment fee ($99), they use it to register you for their website. And on their website, you can track calories, track exercise, track weight and other measurements, discuss things with other members... kind of like a very mini SparkPeople just for members of Anytime. I am enjoying it a lot. Once I actually start working with Janel, she will have access to my page, so she'll be able to see what I'm eating and make suggestions for me. She also told me she teaches a triathalon class in the summer... and I'm actually considering doing it. She invited me to come to one of the swim sessions for free one of these weeks, and I just might. Of course, actually doing a triathalon is probably not in the cards for this summer... I have been doing some thinking though, and will have decided by next week what my plan of attack for the summer and fall is. Right now, I'm leaning towards doing another race.

What with joining the gym and starting to track calories again... I think I'm back on track. I'm feeling good again, and it is really nice. Tomorrow I have to run a few errands, but I think I will probably go for a walk before my last long run on Sunday. I cannot believe my race is only 9 days away. I'm slightly nervous, but mostly so insanely psyched.

Well, it's time for me to hit the showers. I am smelling pretty gross from the workout this evening... I didn't do a ton of work with Janel, we mostly talked, but then I ran a couple miles before coming home. So yeah. Shower time.

Happy weekend, everyone! =)

Sunday, May 2, 2010

change. losing control.

My last day at the YMCA was on Friday. I have been working all this weekend at my once a month job, and it is also my last weekend for that job. My new job starts tomorrow, and I am so very excited, and just a tiny bit nervous... but that is to be expected, I would think.

But that is not what I want to blog about really.

Girls and guys, I am seriously, seriously struggling. I cannot seem to control my eating, and I don't know what happened. I've been like this for almost two weeks now. I hate it. It's like my body reverted back to September, when all it knew how to do was binge. I feel like I have forgotten everything I learned about being healthy... just threw it out the window. Having lost 50 pounds, the absolute last thing I want to do is gain ANY of it back. I still have another 50-60 pounds to lose. It's not gonna happen by eating everything I see.

I am so frustrated. I ate like crap yesterday, and felt like it this morning. I literally had like a food hangover. I hated the feeling, and didn't realize how much better I actually felt eating good food. Eating well does make an incredible difference. I don't want to feel that food hangover feeling ever, ever again.

I feel like I just can't seem to get it right. I am feeling guilty. I am feeling like a horrible weight loss blogger, and I am being a horrible example.

I want to get back my healthy eating. I want to get back my going to the gym every day after work. And I want to do these things before it is too late. I don't want to go any further down this unhealthy road. This has got to stop. Now.

Have any of you been in this situation before? If you have, what pulled you out of it?

I am going to start reading some emotional eating books, and I'm going to restart the Beck book. I just need to get my mind back in the game. Because these last couple weeks have been terrible.

I want my life back.