Saturday, July 17, 2010

embarrassed.

I'm sure you can all figure out why I haven't been weighing in, or posting as much. I have spent the last few weeks... months... out of control. I simply have forgotten how to say "no", how to plan ahead, how to make good decisions. I have been eating whatever the hell I want to.

And I can't do that. I just can't. I need to completely re-teach myself everything I learned last October when I first started this journey. It's really embarrassing. I feel terrible writing this. I weighed myself this evening, even though I said I wasn't going to. 219.

219.

I can't believe I let myself get to this point again. Guys, I need help. It's like I see a number I don't want on the scale... or one of my shirts starts to get tight again... and I panic. And when I panic, I eat.

One of the other big things I am having a problem with is taking my meds. I keep forgetting to take them, and it is really screwing with me. I feel so much better when I take them, and I really do think they help me make better decisions. So why can't I remember to take them? It's not like it's a hard thing to do.

I'm going to go now. I'm going to get some of my weight loss books out and read them while I do laundry tonight. I am going to prep for my long run tomorrow, and then tomorrow morning, I am going to do it. I am going to plan tonight what I am going to eat tomorrow, and I'm not going to let anything stop me from staying on track. And I'm not going to focus on anything beyond tomorrow. If I try that, it's going to send me right back into panic mode.

Help?

11 comments:

  1. Really, tomorrow's about all any of us have any control over. Trying to plan farther out than that rarely accomplishes much.

    Don't beat yourself up too much. There's no shame to falling off the wagon, even for an extended length of time. Just brush yourself off and hop back aboard. Here, you can sit next to me. :)

    Remember, you don't drown from falling into the water; you drown by staying there.

    I'm rooting for you!

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  2. First of all, it's great that you realize your obstacles. It's one thing if you think things are going great and then you step on the scale and receive a surprise.

    Times like these are when you need to re-focus. I've been steadily packing on pounds too, a little bit. I got over 200 and I swore that I'd never get anywhere near 200. I've been trying to re-dedicate myself but it's though.

    As far as food goes, I'd suggest not to have things that control you around. For me, trail mix is something that I can eat lots of in a short amount of time so I try not to toss them in my shopping cart. Same with cashews. Just too much temptation. Tortilla chips can be bad too. I try not to buy them but sometimes it's tough because I'm not the only one I shop for.

    You may also want to mix up your meal plan. Throw in some new veggies or something, and really try and hit your five daily servings of fruits and veggies. I've been destroying peaches and plums lately. Grapes are yummy too.

    You've obviously shown you can get the weight off, which means you have discipline and motivation. Just re-dedicate yourself and I'm certain you'll start to feel better and see results soon.

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  3. I totally understand your description of seeing a certain number, panic setting in and the overeating cycle starting all over again. I think it's that panic which sets it into motion. For me, it has been figuring out ways to deal with that panic that don't involve overeating because in the end, that food does not relieve those feelings of panic and anxiety. Thank God for grace! I'm so glad you're not giving up...that's breaking the viscous cycle right there!

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  4. You are still here and you are asking for help. Not all is lost....get back on track and begin again. You will have it under control again soon just work hard to get there.

    We all stumble, it's part of this journey as well as part of life itself. I love this quote and think of it when I need to remind myself of what to do....

    "Fall down 7 times, get up 8." I think it's a proverb and I think it speak volumes.

    Good luck! You CAN do this!

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  5. Hey, I found your blog today. I really connected with your post. It sounds a lot like mine! We all get in a funk that takes time to work out. You can do it.

    ~Lainey

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  6. And yet I still love you. Sorry, you're SOL there... you'll always be my bestie, no matter what happens :)

    Like Jack Sh*t says, take every day one day at a time.

    And like Jesus says:
    Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:25-34 (NIV)

    You've got all the tools you need. You know everything already. Now it's time to get your heart to follow suit, and that my friend is the hardest part of all. But we're all here for you, loving you, and together we will be strong.

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  7. Awww, I hate those times. panic. shame. despair. confusion. regret. self-loathing. You know, those times. Ack.

    The good news is that you wrote that post--which means that you're getting up out of the water, as Jack put it. (Such a wonderful analogy!)

    We've alllll been where you are now. And for some of us, it hasn't been that long ago! Read my posts for proof of that...

    Keep at it, girlfriend, you'll beat this thing.

    Deb

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  8. You have KENZ as one of your followers. Go to her blog and hook up with Sean in Oklahoma. He is a great inspriation, and has a great, sensible view point on weight loss and lifetime changes. Daily Diary of a Winning Loser is his blog. Good Luck Sandy in Belton Missouri

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  9. You have just come through a very stress filled few months - job searches and taking new jobs can take quite a toll. But you have a history of success to build on. You know what it takes to be successful, you can be incredibly stubborn - in a totally good way. I know you will do this.

    The first few days will be the most difficult and you have a good plan to take it one day at a time. You can do it.

    Try frozen grapes. They are super yummy.

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  10. Kaitlin-
    The fact that you posted your blog today is evidence that you are in this for the long haul. We all have tough time with this journey, but the most important thing is not to quit! You are worth the time and effort this journey takes! Good Luck!
    Remember to take your run tomorrow nice and slow...give yourself time to build back up! You can do it!

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  11. I'm so proud of you for putting it out there. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you aren't doing so well. We all go through it. We all fall off the wagon. God knows I do it repeatedly.
    The important thing is that you recognize that this is a journey and that you can and will get back on the right path.
    Don't let this little setback get you down. Just think of all the success you've had so far. Hang in there and take it one day at a time.
    I'll be rooting for you because I know you've got this.

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