Sunday, May 2, 2010

change. losing control.

My last day at the YMCA was on Friday. I have been working all this weekend at my once a month job, and it is also my last weekend for that job. My new job starts tomorrow, and I am so very excited, and just a tiny bit nervous... but that is to be expected, I would think.

But that is not what I want to blog about really.

Girls and guys, I am seriously, seriously struggling. I cannot seem to control my eating, and I don't know what happened. I've been like this for almost two weeks now. I hate it. It's like my body reverted back to September, when all it knew how to do was binge. I feel like I have forgotten everything I learned about being healthy... just threw it out the window. Having lost 50 pounds, the absolute last thing I want to do is gain ANY of it back. I still have another 50-60 pounds to lose. It's not gonna happen by eating everything I see.

I am so frustrated. I ate like crap yesterday, and felt like it this morning. I literally had like a food hangover. I hated the feeling, and didn't realize how much better I actually felt eating good food. Eating well does make an incredible difference. I don't want to feel that food hangover feeling ever, ever again.

I feel like I just can't seem to get it right. I am feeling guilty. I am feeling like a horrible weight loss blogger, and I am being a horrible example.

I want to get back my healthy eating. I want to get back my going to the gym every day after work. And I want to do these things before it is too late. I don't want to go any further down this unhealthy road. This has got to stop. Now.

Have any of you been in this situation before? If you have, what pulled you out of it?

I am going to start reading some emotional eating books, and I'm going to restart the Beck book. I just need to get my mind back in the game. Because these last couple weeks have been terrible.

I want my life back.


  1. Disclaimer: I don't have a 90 lb. track record to point to.

    This last week, I was struggling as well. Then what I decided to do on my blog was to focus on the fun things I would get to do when I was thin. I wouldn't detail how well (or poorly) I was doing with my eating or exercising; I would just focus on the happy parts of the future thin me.

    It totally worked. Yes, I still have a lot of weight to lose, but my head is back in the game. I have a clear perspective and I'm excited to write in my blog tomorrow about the next activity. I'm excited about positively changing my lifestyle.

  2. I wish there was a magic solution!! lately I've been eating anything I want but I'm running 20+ mile weeks and that keeps my body in check... honestly no matter how much I try to self-sabotage my body is still losing weight. I just wish I knew WHY I felt the need to eat everything under the sun, moon, and sky! I don't have the answer but I wish I did so that all these bad actions go away!

    And I know I said I was going to bed :-P I logged off all of my social media except blogger... but the point is that we're all HERE to support you no matter what! The fact that you're still posting here tells me that you haven't given up and that this disordered eating is just a small bump in your weight loss journey. I have confidence you'll pull through :)

  3. Kaitlin, i'm glad you're stepping back to analyze. there is almost no worse feeling to me than a self-induced food hangover, but i've gone back to bingeing so many times, "like a dog returning to its vomit."

    my creds are probably a little questionable, but my "advice" to you would be, think about what you did -most importantly why, and let go of any guilt. here is some scripture that always reminds me that, in the end, it's not that big a deal.

    romans 8:15- For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear.

    1 Corinthians 9:27- But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified.

    1 Corinthians 6:13- Food is meant for the stomach, and the stomach for food, but God will destroy them both.

    1 Corinthians 6:19-20- Do you know your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

  4. I'm going through the exact same thing you are. I don't have any advice but just keep taking it one day at a time and forgive yourself for mistakes. I think reading those books is a good idea, I'll do the same as soon as I'm done with finals! Post if you find any good ones!

  5. I've been in that same place more times than I care to think about! No real advice, unfortunately, but as your newest reader I'll be around if you ever need to vent :)

  6. Hi. I haven't read the Beck book but so many have written good things about it you can't go wrong reading it.

    I know it's hard to hang in when your not eating well but this is just the time when you need to keep in touch.

    Have you read this Blog
    Chris shares with honesty and wisdom things that have been of great help to me.

  7. I suggest pick one thing that you can do tomorrow that you will have success at - even something as small as drinking all your water or going for a walk. Celebrate and focus on the success - then each day add one little thing you can do to be successful and build a bit every day. You will be back on track in no time.

  8. The brain has two primary directives–pleasure seeking and survival. From childhood we have learned to associate food with both. Associated with pleasure are what most call good emotions–happiness, joy, elation and so on. Associated with survival are what most call bad emotions–frustration, boredom, confusion, anger, depression and so on.

    Unfortunately most programs to lose weight or deal with binging focus on food and forget the emotional programming.

    Focusing on what you do or do not eat to control or lose weight is like trying to fly by flapping your arms. Better to focus on the stress of the emotion whether it be frustration, happiness, upset, anger, joy and learn to take it straight rather than diluting with food.

    Yes, 95% of all diets and eating programs fail. Why? For a free report please go to

  9. One other thing you can do is decide what you will focus on this week - say no sweets - post that thing on your blog and ask people to hold you accountable. It will be hard to come back and report that you failed. Which should help you stay on track.

  10. oh yeah, I relate. I'm there right now. It's easy losing the habits, much harder building them for sure.
    And don't feel like a horrible blogger or a bad example, no you are a TRUE example, with real ups and downs, like any other normal human being. Not everything goes right 100% of the time. And I so relate to what you said about not knowing how well your body felt until you fuelled it crap again. It does make a HUGE difference!
    So you've been down, pick yourself up and get to it again and just feel energized and happy with perhaps only the 1 good decisions today, and soon that 1 will become another and another and another and before you know it, you'll be right back on the motivation track! :)