Friday, October 23, 2009

really struggling tonight

I had wondered when a night like tonight was going to happen. I am so frustrated that I swear I could just burst into tears at any moment. It's not because I'm not losing weight. It's not because I'm not pleased with my progress and excited about this journey.

It's because I want with all of my being to BINGE. I wandered around Target for half an hour talking myself into and out of really high calorie food that I know would cause me to binge. I would love to eat a bag of Pizza Goldfish. Or a box of donuts covered in powdered sugar. Or half a pizza. Or a pint of Ben and Jerry's. Or all of that, for dinner.

I think the day started going downhill when I forgot to say DECAF at Starbucks. I remembered to say non-fat, but decaf slipped my mind. I haven't had that much caffeine since January. I gave up soda and caffeine cold turkey, because my brother had, and I really admired that. He eventually went back to drinking caffeine. I did not. Because I am an addict. No joke, I could drink 4 or 5 Diet Cokes in a day. More if I could have afforded it. So it was great for me and my body when I quit. I felt better, I was saving money. And the only reason it worked to go cold turkey is because I am damn stubborn. Anyway, back to today. I had a grande non-fat Pumpkin Spice latte. With caffeine. I'm still kicking myself. Not because I drank it, I mean, it was an honest mistake, and it's not like I'm worried about ruining a streak. No. It's because that caffeine messed with me all day. I had a ton of energy, and I honestly didn't like the feeling. I like my normal amount of energy, thank you very much.

I really think the caffeine did something to my brain, and that is why I want to binge so bad tonight. I am a caffeine addict, and I don't think I'll ever go back to drinking it, or drinking soda. It's just not good for me. And after today, I doubt I'll forget to say DECAF ever, ever again.

I guess I just feel so out of control right now, and I don't like that. I don't want to want to binge. But that's what I'm feeling. It's scary.

There were good things that happened today. My brother's girlfriend started working with me. It was soooo nice to see her and chat for a few minutes. I'm really looking forward to having her just next door to me!

I also went to Old Navy after work and bought a new pair of jeans. Jeans without a number "2" in the size. That's right, I got a pair of 18s. Oh. My. Gosh. I cannot *quite* fit them comfortably. I can zip them up, but there is still a bit of the muffin top effect. But when my 20s nearly fell off in my classroom today (I kid you not!), I knew I had to go get some new pants. If they are a little tight now, they won't be in a week or two. I also got two shirts, because they were super cheap, and really cute.

At Target, I ended up getting a Lean Cuisine pizza and a package of gnocchi. I did not buy Goldfish, or regular pizza, or the most giant box of Junior Mints EVER. I did not buy a bag of chips or a box of donuts. Why? Because like I said, I'm damn stubborn. I had to fight myself every step of the way though. I came home, and made gnocchi with pasta sauce, and had some of a salad that my housemate Kate had made. I measured my pasta and the sauce and ate an appropriate amount. Then I had a fudgesicle for dessert. I'm saving the pizza for when the craving comes back.

I really think I should talk to my housemates about this apparent need of mine to binge. My housemates are amazing, I trust them completely, and we have created a really safe living environment. I know they would take me seriously and look out for me. And that would be a really great support to have.

Sorry this is so crazy long, and that it's a bit of a downer for an otherwise wonderful Friday night. But I had to get it out somewhere.

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